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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

How To Encourage A Friend Going Through Infertility

Many of us tend to be fixers, and pretty much all of us like to avoid any kind of pain. Even if it's not our own. I know when I've had friends experiencing profound loss or pain, I've wanted so badly to know what to say, or how to be there for them. But the truth is, regardless of our good intentions most of us are just plain clueless on how to be a friend to someone walking through suffering. I've had a few people ask me over the past five years how they can be an encouragement to me as I struggle with the pain of infertility. I've also had some friends, that I am incredibly thankful for, do an amazing job at this very thing, so I thought I'd pass along some of the gems I've learned in the hopes that someone will be able to bless another in the same ways.

It would be easy to write a whole post about things not to say, believe me I've heard some crazy things from well meaning people! But I really want to focus more on the good takeaways in this post, so I'll just touch on this. To keep it simple, just know that there is really not anything you can say to magically make someone's pain go away. The fixer in us likes to try and offer a solution... "you just need to relax, take a vacation, believe, adopt, etc etc and then you will get pregnant". Or we like to try and minimize pain... "you're lucky you don't have kids, it's harder then you think, etc etc".  

What I have found is that I am most encouraged when people choose to actually enter into the suffering with me. When people don't offer "advice" to fix the problem, or try and quickly move past the discomfort of my sorrow, but sit in it and feel it with me. There have been two times in the past five years where sweet friends of mine have shed tears while talking with me about my infertility. THEY cried because of MY pain. Both times I wasn't even crying. And let me tell you, it ministered to my soul. More than anything else any person has done or said. Here were the words one of these girls spoke to me through her tears.. "every time we are in a group of moms talking about mom stuff, I am always thinking of you the whole time". Holy cow. Talk about entering into someone else's suffering. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with moms and talking about mom stuff. I learn a lot, and it's not usually too difficult for me. And it's not as though I want everyone to be worried about me during baby showers or to avoid talking about their kids around me. That's not at all what I'm getting at or what she was saying. But genuine statements like this from friends I trust make me feel like I'm not alone. They give me encouragement that even though I may be the only one in my circle who is experiencing infertility first hand, I'm not the only one facing the sorrow of it. They tell me that I have friends who care enough to enter into my pain, rather than offer a quick "fix" and move on. What a blessing and encouragement these friends have been to me. 

So if you know someone going through any form of suffering, be it infertility or something else, I hope this helps you change the way you think about being there for them. They don't need a cliche statement about the "silver lining" or anything like that. They may just need someone to hurt for them and with them. This is hard because it requires something from us. It requires us to engage our hearts, and to experience the discomfort of someone else's sorrow. So maybe next time you are wondering what to say to your friend who is suffering, instead just hug them and tell them how much it sucks. You don't necessarily have to cry with them, but you can tell them how much you hurt for them, and let them know that they aren't alone. 

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